You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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