my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
