Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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