I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
