Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
