we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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