john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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