Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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