..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
