Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
