It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
where are my eyebrows?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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