How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize