you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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