you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
