I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
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It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
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I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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