i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
