We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
