No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
