paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
