Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
