did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
