He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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