He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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