i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
