They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
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I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
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I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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