YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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