she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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