I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
