an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Your penis caused this!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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