Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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