Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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