I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
