dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
