He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
