I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
