Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
