Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
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