Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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