Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
