you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You ruined the universe
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
