Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
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We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
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How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.