I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?