I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
