He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
why do cheetos always look like penises
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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