he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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