1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You are the jesus of drinking
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
