I got chris browned last night
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
