I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
