Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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