3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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