What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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