My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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