I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
