he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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