God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
