If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
