So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
