It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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