my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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