Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
