Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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