Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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